TOP 5 HEAVENLY CUTE ANIMALS THAT CAN KILL YOU

TOP 5 HEAVENLY CUTE ANIMALS THAT CAN KILL YOU

If animals could talk, they would spend most of their time calling us dicks and telling us to get off their land. The traits we think of as "cute" are often simply tricks animals have developed to get tourists to throw them food.Here are 5 animals that you'll probably want to steer clear of, no matter how adorable they look on that wall calendars.

1. DINGO

We can practically feel you trying to reach out a hand to give the Dingo a scratch behind the ear so he knows what a good boy he's being but seriously and for fuck's sake STOP.

That adorable little guy with the silly name and the gleam in his eye is, in fact, absolutely nothing like your blessed yellow Labrador-mix that was the only friendly face you saw all day in your childhood.

No. That is a wild, as in untamed, as in feral, meaning thoroughly and completely--this is important--a dangerous and unpredictable animal.

Wild dogs--also called fucking wolves--are inquisitive, intelligent predators that travel in packs. Which means there are several of them and they all think "fair fight" means "we outnumber the hell out of you". Do a Google search on "Dingo," and look over all of those pages. Notice a theme? Every single one of them manages to repeat the exact same sentiment ad nauseum:

Do not attempt to pet the dingos. Do not attempt to play with the dingos. Do not throw squeaky toys to the fucking dingos or attempt to sneak scraps of food to the fucking dingos from the dinner table. If a fucking dingo follows you home, you should not keep it. DO NOT LET A DINGO PLAY WITH YOUR INFANT.

It took 7,000 years of breeding and training to make your pet dog. This is not your pet dog. This is a fucking dingo.

2. PLATYPUS

they are poisonous.

Wait, what?

Male platypi have a pair of spurs on their hind legs that they use for defense and dominance duels. They deliver a brutal dose of venom that will put a human being into the emergency room and leave him writhing in muscle-impaired agony for months.

The platypus is mother nature's way of saying, "I made this thing out of spare parts I found on the workshop floor, and it can still fucking cripple you."

   3. SLOW LORIS

As cute to some as a child’s stuffed animal, in reality, its looks are extremely deceiving. The little animal is the only venomous primate and can deliver a deadly toxic punch in the form of an envenomating bite. The Slow loris excretes venom from brachial glands on its arms and then draws the venom into its mouth using a special tooth comb. The victim of a Slow loris bite can quickly go into anaphylactic shock, and without medical intervention, the chances of survival are minimal.

4.PUFFER FISH

With big bulgy eyes, a pursed mouth and a somewhat clumsy swimming style, the slow moving Ocean Pufferfish, or  Blowfish, is considered the second-most poisonous vertebrate in the world. In fact, one Pufferfish has enough tetrodotoxin in its liver to kill 30 people. Most people come in contact and die from the poison by consuming the the flesh of a Pufferfish, which is a delicacy in Japan called Fugu.

5.CHIMPANZEE

What that is, see, is a mouthful of very large teeth being bared. Right at you.The chimp is attempting to inform you that you are invading his space. If you do not understand this, the chimp would be happy to further elaborate. With that mouthful of very fucking large teeth. While smashing his very long and extremely strong arms about your head and shoulders, grabbing your hair and slamming your head into things. All the while shrieking a vicious symphony of noise that is calling all his buddies over to beat you until you cannot grow anymore. Following which, they will pelt you with feces.

It's sort of like a fraternity initiation, only they don't give a shit if you survive. For instance, look how the adorable monkey treats his "friend" the zoologist, who's been coming to his island and feeding him bananas for years.

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